Coaching Through Self-Explanation
One of the greatest hazards of becoming self-aware is becoming convinced that you already are.
It happens quietly. We begin to understand ourselves. We recognize our patterns. We learn the language of personality, attachment, strengths, trauma, emotional intelligence, or neuroscience. We can explain why we hesitate, why we overwork, why we avoid conflict, or why we seek approval.
Those explanations are often true. They are also deeply comforting.
Eventually, without realizing it, we stop observing ourselves because we have become so good at describing ourselves.
I've noticed this in coaching clients. I've also noticed it in coaches (including myself).
Coaching through self-explanation begins with a simple distinction: explaining ourselves is not the same as observing ourselves.
Explanation tells us why we behaved as we did yesterday. Observation notices what is happening today.
The first gives us understanding. The second gives us choice.
And choice is where change begins.
Every Explanation Solves a Problem
Human beings are natural meaning-makers. We long to understand ourselves. Every explanation is an attempt to make the world a little more predictable.
Every genuine insight becomes another brick.
Brick by brick, we construct a story that explains who we are, how we got here, and why we respond the way we do. Understanding ourselves brings relief. It transforms confusion into coherence.
There is nothing wrong with that wall.
We built it for good reasons. It helps us make sense of painful experiences. It reminds us that our behavior is understandable rather than random. It gives us language for patterns we once struggled to name.
The trouble begins when the wall becomes so familiar that we forget it is only one way of seeing.
We stop looking through the window because we become convinced the wall tells us everything we need to know. Instead of opportunities to change, we have cement.
